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Jack
David
Laura
Doyle
Mary
Grace
anonym
home
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The Driver
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars
in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a
smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the
border yet?"
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Loving Children
The Most Caring Child Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia
once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to
find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
************
Barney
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As
the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find
Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a
tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find
the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then
the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked,
"Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my
heart. Barney's on my underpants."
***********
Discouraged?
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a
local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat
down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score
was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his
face.
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat
yet,"
************
Roles And How We Play Them
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and
think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother
told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he
would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him
after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that
will remain a lesson to me, "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
************
Barber Shop
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his
regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a
vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want
to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to
Rome!
So how Ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a
terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're
always late!
So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown
International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's
the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and
they're overpriced!
So whatcha doing when you get
there?"
The man says "We're going to
go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe.
"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for
his regular haircut.
Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome
turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite"
explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it
was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Well, I bet the hotel was just like
I described."
"No, quite the opposite!
They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra
charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you
didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As
we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this
private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes
the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words
to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get
that awful haircut?"
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