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Jack
David
Laura
Doyle
Mary
Grace
anonym
home
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Shipwreck
There were 2 men shipwrecked on this island. One started
screaming & yelling, "we're going to die!, We're going to die!, there's no food!,
no water!, we're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree, so calm
it drove the 1st man crazy. "Don't you understand?, We're going to die"!
The 2nd man replied," You don't understand, I make $100,000
a week"
The 1st man looked at him quite dumbfounded & asked,
"what difference does that make? We're on an island with no food & no water.
We're going to DIE!!!"
The second answered, " You just don't get it, I make $100,000 a
week & I tithe on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
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Worker
For a couple years I've been blaming it on
lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the US is 237 million. 104 million are
retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to
do the work.Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
19million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million
to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there at your computer reading dumb jokes.
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Golf Pro
One day Jesus and Moses
were on the golf course and decided to have a contest over who can make the most
outstanding shot.
Moses goes first. He
settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball
falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky,
and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and
onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole.
Jesus looks at Moses and says,
"Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."
Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the green.
Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the
water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the
ball bounces on top of the water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole.
Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies
grew dark. The wind started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a
ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit
theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his
talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops
the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the
hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it
when your Dad plays!!"
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Thoughts for the day
Funny how a $10.00 bill looks so big when you take it
to church, but so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small
60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing or playing bridge.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church, but
how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes
into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the
Bible and how easy it is to read 200-300 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but
question what the Bible says.
Funny how people scramble to get a front seat at any
game, but scramble to get a back seat at church service.
Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our
schedule with yearly planner, but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into
our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
Funny how much difficulty some have learning a simple
gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand
and explain gossip about someone.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray,
and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how we are so quick to take direction from a total stranger
when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction to be found.
Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about
them rather than what God thinks about them.
Funny how so many churchgoers sing "Standing on the
Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how people think that they can get more accomplished in a
lifetime without God than in an hour with him.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don't have to
believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything.
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A ten-year-old, under the
tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then
one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus:
the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
. The little girl in
this joke got the two words virgin and version mixed up. The Virgin Mary was the
mother of Jesus. She had never been with a man, but became pregnant by the Holy
Spirit of God, so Jesus was God and man. The King James Version of the Bible is one
of the first versions written in English. A version is a translation from another
language.
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They Won't Let Me In
It was a beautiful Sunday morning. People were
filling the church to its fullest capacity. As they entered, each was
given a bulletin filled with announcements, topic of today's sermon, which
songs they would sing, and for whom they would be praying.
At the end of the line stood an older man. His
clothes were filthy and you could tell he had not bathed in days. His
face was covered in whiskers, and it was obvious he had not shaved for a very
long time.
When he reached the usher, he removed his tattered old brown hat in
respect. His hair was a long, dirty, tangled mess. He had no
shoes on his feet, and wore only soiled, black socks.
The usher put his fingers to his nose and glared at the old man and
said, "Ooh, I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid we can't let you in. You
will distract the congregation and we don't allow anyone to disrupt our
service. I'm afraid you'll have to leave."
The old man looked down at himself and with a puzzled look on his face,
he placed his old brown hat back upon his head and turned to leave.
He was sad as he loved to hear the choir sing praises to the Lord. He
loved to watch the little children get up in front of the church to
sing their little songs. He carried in his pocket a small, well-worn
Bible, and loved to see if the minister preached a passage from the
Bible that he had underlined.
He was respectful enough that he didn't want to cause any commotion, so he hung his
head and walked back down the steps of the big brick church. He sat on the
brick wall near the edge of the church yard and strained to listen through closed
doors and windows to the beautiful singing from inside the church. Oh how he wished
he could be inside with all the others.
A few minutes passed when a younger man came up behind him and sat down near him.
He asked the old man what he was doing.
He answered, "I was going to go to church today, but they thought I was
filthy and my clothes are old and worn, and they were afraid I would disrupt their
service. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself. My name is
George."
The two gentlemen shook hands and George couldn't help but notice that this
man had long hair like his. He wore a piece of cloth draped over his body tied
with a royal purple sash. He had sandals upon his feet, now covered with dust
and dirt.
The stranger reached out to touch George's shoulder and said, "Hello,
George, don't feel bad because they won't let you in. My name is Jesus,
and I've been trying to get into this same church for years, and they won't
let me in either.
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The smartest man
A
doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a
small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of
the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot
grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there
were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said
"I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said,
"I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute
and jumped.
The priest looked at the
little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are
young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live
in peace".
The little boy handed the
parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man
in the world just took off with my back pack."
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